You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
