i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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