I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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