she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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