Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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