i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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