I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
