went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
