At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
