Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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