So drunk, too bad you don't want this
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
