so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize