I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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