So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
