We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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