So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
