it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize