Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
