That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
