Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
