He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
