Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hippo gnu deer
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
