Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
