she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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