Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
