Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
