You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
