Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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