dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
