I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
