Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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