He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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