Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
