Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
