It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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