He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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