Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize