sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
