you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
