The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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