I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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