Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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