thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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