I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
