Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
