how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
