Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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