Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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