i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
