After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
