i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
