i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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