Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
