Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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